A few weeks ago, Justin and I celebrated our tenth wedding anniversary. 🥂Flipping back through our photos was definitely a laugh — but it also reminded me of how little a single snapshot can capture.
If you look at a picture of my life today, you’ll see one thing — but it’s just one frozen moment. Sure, right now, Justin and I are both doing what we love, but a year or two (or five or eight) ago, you’d have seen something very different.
Ten years ago — before kids, before a mortgage, before we started our “grown up” lives — we had big dreams. We met through a program called University of Dreams, after all. We both interned with the program in 2002, and returned the following year to run the internship program.
(Fun fact: all of our mutual friends assumed we were dating, even though we were just friends. Turns out they all saw what was happening way before we did.)
In the early days of our marriage, it was Justin who was much more willing to do entrepreneurial things. In fact, when he talks about it, he calls it “taking risks” which tells you a little something about the different ways we see this.
And yes, I also wanted to do big things, but there was that instinct for stability that kicked in, and at first I was really happy in my job.
I think that’s been a big part of what makes us work as a couple: we’ve been able to trade off over the years. At different times in our marriage, we’ve each been the one to hold the steady job, and we’ve each been the one to go after those big dreams. It’s part of what keeps marriage strong.
And please don’t misunderstand: we love each other, but we’ve done this very imperfectly. We’ve had plenty of fear-driven arguments — no one enjoys feeling unstable!
Nearly every time I go to a Free Mama meetup, someone asks how Justin feels about my business, and if he’s always supported me. The short answer is “Yes, he’s always wanted me to be happy and successful,” but the long answer is messy and complicated and real — just like your life.
It’s easy to grab this picture and freeze it and ignore everything that came before. But that would be a bit like believing someone’s social media feed is an accurate representation of real life.
At the end of the day, I think the biggest thing I’ve learned about what keeps marriage strong in the last ten years of marriage is that it’s about finding balance. You’re both probably not going to get everything you want all of the time, and it’s about giving each other the space and support so that you can both be pretty happy most of the time.
Which sounds straightforward, but it takes real work — and that’s the other thing I’ve learned. A strong marriage needs nurturing. You have to be on the same team, and you have to know that it’s going to take practice and patience to get where you want to go. We remind ourselves of that (sometimes very loudly) on a regular basis.
And please, please don’t think I’m trying to tell you that I know all the secrets to a happy marriage, or that mine is perfect. Like I said, our path is wildly imperfect, and we are learning more about ourselves — and each other — every day.
My friend Monica from The Brighter Side of Life is going to be hosting a marriage summit that talks all about these marriage secrets – and I’m going to be a participating as a speaker! I would love if you joined us there!
P.S. Just in case you missed it, this last episode of FreeMamaTV was all about what you need to stop doing to have a profitable side hustle!