It’s late at night, mama. You’re standing with your husband in the dark, looking down at your sleeping child.

You’ve been there, right?

What are the thoughts that go through your mind at that moment?

Are you reliving something funny that happened earlier in the day? Are you laughing quietly as you recall the mispronunciation or the amazingly cute antics? Are you relieved that the tantrum is over? Or a little nostalgic at the last day of preschool?

Here’s what’s probably not going through your head:

Today, I told my child how to behave when he’s pulled over by a policeman. 

Today I talked to my daughter about what she felt like when someone called her the n-word.

Today, I was terrified about my baby’s future. 

If you’re white, these probably aren’t thoughts and fears you have, because you don’t have to.

But if you’re Black, you know that just as you learned from a very young age that there are people on this planet who will always see you as less than, as not worthy of sharing space with them, that you have to teach your children these terrible, difficult truths. This is why anti-racism is still important.

When I listened to Black mamas from our community, I was struck again and again by tiny, telling details. 

All of them told me that they’ve taught their kids — just as their own parents taught them — “When you’re pulled over…”

When.

Not if. 

When. 

It’s a given — it will happen. 

I’m so grateful to be able to count these women not just among my students, but among my friends — and friends who care about me and this country enough to share their stories, openly, so that we can start to understand a little bit of what life looks like every day for Black people. 

Driving is more dangerous for Black people than for white people. 

Nearly all the women I spoke to talked about being followed in a store because someone thought they were going to steal something.

When you’re Black, you have to think about what you’re wearing before you dash into the bank.

And you have to have hard conversations with your kids. You have to teach them how and when to submit to a police officer, and that people will assume they’re guilty of things they’ve never dreamed of doing, and that their actions can be the difference between life and death.

You don’t have to do that when you’re white.

If you’re white like me, you might not love it when people say you’re privileged. That’s probably because you’re not understanding the word. I didn’t. Four or five years ago, people would talk about privilege, and I’d feel triggered. 

I thought it meant that I didn’t work hard, or I didn’t suffer, or I hadn’t struggled, or I didn’t earn what I have, but that’s not what privilege means. 

I’ve worked my tush off, and struggled — just like you. And no one is saying that we didn’t. But never, in all our years of hard work, never once did we have to consider what we’re wearing when we walk into the bank. 

Never once did we have to talk to our kids about how to act when they are pulled over.

We’ve never stood in a dark room and prayed, “Make him be short and look less intimidating.”

And that’s privilege.

—

The exceptionally talented and wonderful Brittany Johnson, a longtime member of The Free Mama community, has graciously offered to host an open, non-judgemental Q&A in the Free Mama Facebook group. I’m so grateful to Brittany, for her friendship and support, for her guidance, and for her willingness to help all of us build better versions of ourselves as we understand why anti-racism is still important to talk about.

I’ll see you in the Facebook group.