Early in December, I had an epiphany, mama.
Well, let me take a step back.
Early in December, I broke. Like, ugly crying, temper tantrum, yelling at everyone around me, BROKE. I felt like a failure.
After our move, it just all got to be too much. Homeschooling the kids meant that I had no time to myself. No more babysitter meant no time for my business. No time for the gym. No time to breathe, think, create, reflect.
I was constantly frustrated with my kids, my husband, and myself.
And then I felt guilty for feeling frustrated, for wanting time for myself, for wanting time for my business, for wanting time to pee.
I’m guessing you’ve been there once or twice.
When I thought about “quitting” homeschooling, I felt like a failure. Sure, I could logic my way out of that super-fun dilemma, but I’m working on feeling my feelings these days, and HOLY GUACAMOLE was I ever feeling the feelings.
Which is when I had the epiphany that what if what’s best for me is actually what’s best for my family?
Right now, Audrey neeeeeeeeeds to be around other kids, to learn social skills, to play age-appropriate games with peers. To learn to wait in line, to take her turn, to assert herself in a healthy way, to argue with other kids — all of it.
ALSO, when I’m honest with myself, having her at home while I’m trying to work with the other two is making me LOSE. MY. COOL.
Daphne misses the rigor of school days. She thrives in a classroom environment surrounded by friends. At home, she droops.
I can objectively tell you that I’m pretty sure my kids need to go back to school, and at the same time, I can tell you that saying those words out loud makes me feel like a failure.
Now, mama, I am extremely anti mom-guilt. It’s against my religion, you might say. But tell that to my achy-breaky heart, which is FEELING all kinds of mom guilt.
Is it selfish to want to go to the gym? If you asked me, I’d tell you OF COURSE NOT! But when I ask myself, it feels selfish. And that makes me feel small.
Isn’t it amazing how we can do this to ourselves?
Like, let’s say you made a decision about your business that felt like exactly the right decision in the moment. But fast forward a few months, and you’re miserable. And yet, you’re afraid to change direction, because that would signal failure.
If you came into my Facebook group and said that, I’d do one of my ranty lives about how GUILT is not an emotion you should feel when you’re giving yourself what you need. About how changing course does not equate with failure. And still, that advice is easier to give than to take.
In the moment that I broke, all I could think was, I can’t do this anymore.
In the moment of my epiphany, I thought, We can survive this.
Which moment are you in right now, mama? And if you have felt like a failure how can we help you get to where you want to go?