This week is the due date anniversary of the baby I miscarried. Even in a regular year, it’s a time when I’m carrying heavy things.
But this year, for the first time, when I think about that period in my life, healing from miscarriage, I see it a bit differently.
What happens when the worst thing that ever happened to you ends up being the best thing? I’m just starting to process this.
Because that miscarriage most definitely was the worst thing that ever happened to me. Even though I had people around me, I felt so isolated. It was the lowest point I’ve ever had, by a long long way.
But without that low, I never would have created the Free Mama Movement which is the thing that has enabled me to really become the person I feel like I was meant to be.
When you have a miscarriage and you are healing from miscarriage, all these voices in your head say to you, Where do you go from here? What are you going to do next?
And it feels like you’re at the bottom of a hole trying to find the energy to crawl out.
But with hindsight, I can now see that this was the trigger that made me quit my job in search of something better.
My desire for change finally outgrew the what ifs.
You know the ones.
What if this doesn’t work? What if I can’t figure it out? What if I’m not good enough? What if I fail? What if other people make fun of me? Or don’t support me? Or don’t get it?
But, look at it from another angle. What if the worst thing ends up being the best thing in life? What if I had never had my miscarriage? What would have happened then?
This email (which I wouldn’t have been writing – but bear with me, Mama!) would have read very differently.
Dear mama,
Today I did my normal crazy school drop off — 20 minutes in one direction to drop Audrey at daycare and then 30 minutes downtown to take the others to school and then another 30 minutes to get to work.
I sat in my chair for nine hours, because that is what I was hired to do. I had three pointless hour-long meetings that could have been resolved in a 3-sentence email, and I warmed my seat for most of the rest of the time because I’d done my work by 11 am.
It wasn’t all bad. I had a nice lunch with my co-workers. But I was constantly thinking about the kids, and I felt especially bad about Audrey because she’s so little and I wanted to be with her.
And then I did all the driving again to pick them all up. And once I got home, the nightly rush started. Rush to make dinner. Rush to tidy up dinner. Rush to do laundry. Rush to get everyone clean. Rush to get everyone to bed at a decent time. Rush rush rush, with no meaningful quality time whatsoever.
And all the time I was thinking about something at work I should have done better. Before I numbed out to Netflix, and fell into bed exhausted so I can be ready to get up again early tomorrow to do it all again.
Lauren
Most days I wore huge sunglasses in the car just so no one could see me crying.
Although I would NEVER want to go through that time again, after healing from miscarriage, I have enough distance now to see that the life I live now, that I love with my whole heart, came out of that hard time. So rather than just feeling heavy about it, I’m now starting to feel grateful.
And I also feel hopeful. Because maybe you feel heavy right now. Maybe you have a lot of what if’s in your life. And maybe The Free Mama Movement is what you need to give you hope that change is possible. Find out what happens when the worst thing ends up being the best thing in life.
P.S. On Monday March 22nd, I’ve invited Amy McCready from Positive Parenting Solutions to join us LIVE in the Facebook group. If you would like to be notified, click here and Suzy, our awesome chatbot will send you a reminder! If you’ve been feeling heavy and (like me) sometimes take that out on your kids, you should DEFINITELY join us for our conversation.
P.P.S. Don’t miss this week’s episode of Free Mama TV!